Frustrations and a few good things…

Current weight:  315.00

I’ve only lost 1 crummy pound in almost 2 weeks.   ONE!

I’m so frustrated.  What’s worse is that I honestly feel like I’ve been doing good.  I started keeping a food journal, counting calories and keeping under 1,900 calories per day. I work out at least 4 times per week, cardio and weights.  I’m trying really hard to believe that maybe I’m building muscle and so the scale isn’t showing the progress as well as I’d like it to.  But even with muscle I would think that at 315 pounds I should see significant weight loss.   I want to cry.

On a positive note:  I feel really, really good.  I’m starting to fit into shirts that I haven’t worn in a while because they were too snug.  I feel like I have more energy and I’m not so terribly moody anymore. I feel happy which I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’m grateful for that.  My heart still has quite a bit of mending to do but as I continue to love myself I let go of pain and resentment more and more each day.  I need this. I don’t think I could continue living if all I had was the pain. 

So….maybe counting calories isn’t the best way to go about this.  I’ve switched to Weight Watchers, effective today.   It’s worked for me before and although I hate counting points I’m already counting calories (that aren’t working) so why the hell not count points (that have worked before)?  Right.  I also need to do better about making healthy choices in food over the weekends. I don’t overeat but I don’t eat the usual healthy salads, fruits and protein that I eat during the week.  At least with Weight Watchers I feel like I can eat anything as long as I stay within points and guidelines.  I realize a lot of this whole weight loss process is mind over matter.  If I can continue to keep a positive attitude then I know things will eventually go in my favor.

A few other good things:

1.  I’m having brachioplasty surgery on June 26th 2008.  I’m nervous but excited.

2.  I’ve taken up a bit of jogging/running and I find that I really enjoy it. Even though It makes me quite sore, I love being outside – it’s so liberating.   I plan on really focusing on improving my endurance.

3. I want to run a half marathon next year.  It’s definitely possible as long as I put in the work.

4. I’m really enjoying the supplements.  The pills are crap but the Cytomax and Whey Protein give me an added boost in the mornings. 

5.  I took “Before” pictures of myself a couple of weeks ago.  I can’t wait to compare them to “After” pictures as I continue through this weight loss journey.

TO DO THIS WEEK:

     – Take my body measurements.

I’m going to continue to do weights and resistance training.  If it won’t show on the scale right away then at least I’ll have measurements to track my progress with.

     -  Stay positive in attitude and in internal dialogue.

 

Supplements

My buddy who is a personal trainer recommended I get some supplements to assist in my weight loss goals.   Since I’m trying to stay away from red meats and eating fish is unhealthy to eat everyday due to mercury levels, she recommended I get some protein whey.   Another friend recommended VP2 Whey Protein Isolate in combination with CytoMax Exercise and Recovery Drink – she’s used it and likes it a lot.

I was also advised to try Pyruvate pills to help with the fat loss.  I’ve never been too keen on pills but was assured that it was safe.  I figured I could try them for a couple of months.

So I purchased:

Pyruvate pills (1000mg/90 count)

CytoMax Exercise and Recovery Drink

VP2 Whey Protein Isolate

 

Lets see if this works….

 

Resume Game

I’m back.  I took a time-out to deal with other pressing matters in life.

My 37 years old Brother-in-law passed away from metastatic melanoma back in Mid-February.  I have spent a considerable amount of time  with my sister and their six children.  Their oldest is 16. Youngest is now 9.  It’s been difficult but the family is getting through the loss. 

As far as my physical evolution, the good news is that I have not put the weight that I had lost back on.  The bad news is that I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked to have lost by now. The great news is that I’m back to working out and I have incredible amounts of motivation.  It feels good to be back.

Current Weight:  316.00

Down 29 pounds.

 

 

Start at the top

I got a new haircut and style today.  Pictures to be up eventually…. I think.  I haven’t quite decided at which point I want to introduce images to this blog.  I suppose I’m very self conscious and want to see some real changes in myself before I start seeing them on pictures here.  Silly I know, but it makes sense to me.

Today was an emotionally difficult day for me.  It snowed it Utah, the mountains looked so beautiful and yet there was a sadness inside of me that kept me from fully appreciating all of it.  Missing someone is difficult  -  but accepting the fact that you’ll miss them the rest of your life …  well that’s just difficult to explain.

I love her.   Is it fair to measure how much I love her by the degree and intensity of the pain that I feel? If so, then I love her more than I ever imagined I could love another human being.

So, new hair.  I felt beautiful for a few hours.  It was really nice to do something for myself though. Real nice.

I ate well today but not enough calories.  Tomorrow I’ll try to do better.  I don’t want my body storing fat cause it thinks I’m starving it.

Weigh In – Week 1

I weighed in this morning:

336.4

I’m down NINE pounds in 7 days.

Although it seems unhealthy to loose nine pounds in a week I have to consider the following:

1. I am very FAT.

2. I haven’t been active for a few years.

3. I have been eating very unhealthy for quite some time.

Now that I’m exercising the weight will melt off at first. However, I know that in time it will slow down. My goal is to loose a minimum of 2-3 pounds per week over the next 16 weeks. At that rate and including the nine pounds I just lost – I will work to loose anywhere between 48-57 pounds – putting me at somewhere between 288-279 pounds come June.

I won’t stop there though. That’s just the first goal in a series of many. My ideal goal weight: about 170-180 pounds.

I worked out 4 days this week, thirty minutes each day. I ate healthier and more often and I drank lots of water. Got plenty of rest too.

My evolution has begun.

Damn Burrito

I got a bit intoxicated last night and had a greasy burrito. Ugh! It was soooOOOoooOooOoooo good though. LOL! I didn’t feel well yesterday so I didn’t have much to eat all day and I’m pretty sure I didn’t consume my alloted calories for the day. Still, as good as the damn burrito was … It made me feel icky.

Today is a better day.

Achievement: Instead of the 6 Oreo cookies I would normally eat. Today, I had ONE. Surprisingly, it satisfied my craving for something sweet, all without pushing me to the edge of remorse.

I weigh in tomorrow!

Recover

The hardest part of waking up is feeling alone. The best part of waking up: working out.

Thirty minutes on the elliptical in the mornings has been my reason for getting out of bed. I hate it but I love it for it gives me the energy to push through each day. I am excited to see and feel the transformation – physically as well as emotionally.

I try to eat every 3-4 hours. Small meals, lots of protein. I’ve given up all carbonation including diet Coke. I stay away from sugars as much as possible and I drink a lot of water. My plan is to work-out a minimum of 4 days per week.

Lately it seems like talking is synonymous with tears – so I don’t talk much. I pretty much keep to myself. I have two friends that have been my rocks B & A – I love them dearly. Little do they know how they’ve saved me.

I spend a lot of time reading in the evenings. I think a lot. I feel so much. Some days are better than others but I recover well. I have to – because if I give up on recovering then I know I’ll die. The best parts of me would die.

Recover. Continue. Evolve.

Motivations

My motivations at this time…

1 – A broken heart.  I do not wish this to be the basis of my evolution but I do intend to use it as a launching pad.  Fear is a great motivator – and so in pain.

2 – My health.  I want to LIVE.

I have felt small, ridiculed and ugly, but my mind and heart are neither small, ridiculous or ugly.

Begin.

This is the beginning of my evolution. It starts with a number: 345.4

Followed by the word “pounds.”

345.4 pounds is what I currently weigh in at.   Bleh, I know.

However, I have come to term with two realities:

1. I did it to myself.

2. I can change it.

My motto: “Evolve or Die”

This is the beginning. Welcome to my evolution.